| As usual I've been slack with my blogging. But I have legitimate reasons for the last two weeks. Exams! Uni is really quite tedious and you actually need to be bothered. Quite the opposite from my preconceived fantasy I guess. Every little exam is like the hsc all over again. I mean sure.. there's more freedom to cheat, but... It feels like the hsc. I've got one exam left for tomorrow. STAT171. The most boring subject out of my first year subjects. I hope I can get 75%. That's a distinction and would make me crazily happy.
Mid semester break starts this Friday. I am so excited. In fact.. I'm just excited about 2pm tomorrow. ALL my exams are finished and I'm going to bludge. I feel compelled to spend money. I think I'll go shopping one day... clothes? new bag? music stuff? new laptop? bunny rabbit? puppy? oh the choices..
It's been getting cold lately. T_T. I'm ALREADY sick. Damn useless immune system. Sigh. You'd think that since I get sick like every month... I'd build more immunity.. but no.
I haven't really had a chance to play music or record or refine.. and hence.. the release of my second album has been delayed for a very very very long time. The more I listen to the songs.. the more I don't like them. I think I'm going to scrap the whole project (what a waste of money) and begin a new one. Darker, more mellow and more just.. sort of ballad style songs. I'm not sure.
My leg's playing up a whole lot again... since the weather's changing... T_T.
Anyway I'll write again later, when I can.
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| So today Amy came down from Newcastle to spend the day with me. We started of with fucking AWESOME burgers at this place in Crows Nest called "The Counter Burger" you basically build your own burger. It was fucking hugeee. Couldn't finish it at all!
Next we headed for a skate around willoughby/north shore area... Pakour, etc.. pretty sick day. Photos coming soon!! (when my lap top doesn't die from something)
:)
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| I dont know.. what to feel. I think I'll disappear.. for a while.
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| It's like slipping into an alternate reality or even having this out-of-body experience when you realise that all along you weren't the only one that felt something, did something or needed something. So much can change in only an instant.
For example lately I've been finding University one of the toughest things to come to terms with. I think that a lot of it is my own pressure to transfer into medicine, but none the less it has become this huge part of my life that seems to feel so empty. It's so lonely. Being independent and individual, I have no problem with. I think it's the silence. I love silence. But.. at uni it's a different kind of silence. It's a silence that causes you to become careless. Since I have no friends, I have no one to look out for.
Everything has become internal.
In highschool I resided in my head a lot of the time. At school I was open, I talked to people, I laughed, I ran around, I wasn't afraid to approach someone. Now, in university, I live in my head permanently. Sometimes it's nice to be able to escape my thoughts. It seems impossible in my current situations.
Back to the point, it was only today that I truly realised... I am not the only one. In fact, I'm just another person in the majority. It's like an unspoken consensus that university isn't turning out to be as great as we thought. It will get better, I know. But I'm just itching for it to be now.
Another situation you might relate to is when you've dealt with hell. You've gone through a period where nothing has gone right, you've been so frustrated, you've been lied to and you just dont know what to do or say anymore. It's been all about you all that while. You focused so hard on what you were going through, on how you felt... You never stopped to think that others were worse off.
It's a lesson we should all learn. Self-pity is just selfish yet contradictingly, it is also necessary and not selfish. It's a viable mean of getting through your own problems.
You realise, you're not the only one with problems. The shocking feeling when you hear of someone else's misfortunes is almost an uncomfortable blessing.
I am fascinated with human response. To see someone cry, laugh, yell, rant, be in pain, be angry.. it all fascinates me. I am on observer. Uni is the perfect place to observe... but right now.. I don't want to think. I just want to do nothing.
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| Could this world tear me apart? Yes. It has already started.
Uni is lonely, in fact.. life has been pretty lonely lately.
I just want to leave. I just want to do nothing. I just want to give up.
Why can't anything help me.
I'm aching for something different. I'm aching to feel a little lighter.
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